"The changes in our life must come from the impossibility to live otherwise than according to the demands of our conscience, not from our mental resolution to try a new form of life." Leo Tolstoy, Russian writer
So you may or may not have noticed that I have been on a bit of a hiatus from writing over the holidays. The reality is, I just have not felt the motivation to write or had the inspiration to share anything specific. I value this forum and respect those of you who read it. I personally don't feel the need to write for the sake of writing. I want to write about things that are meaningful to me, and in turn I pray they might be meaningful to others. With that said, with this new year, I feel inspired. Thank for reading and as always feel free to share or provide feedback.
As I look back over thirty-two years of life, one thing I have learned is how small the window is that we get to occupy. As you age, it seems as if the years no longer flip with the pages of a calendar, but almost tick away like minutes. And, every year we all tend to do the same thing. We create in our heads what the ideal next year should look like. This prompts us to make resolutions to make it so. We psych ourselves up and wait for the great ball to drop in Times Square. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. Happy New Year! This is the moment the resolutions in our head begin to swirl. We resolve to lose weight. We resolve to stop smoking. We resolve to handle our finances better. We resolve to handle our relationships better. We resolve to start going to church. The list is endless and most likely you have resolved to do something in 2014. I want to invite you to consider thinking just a little bit differently.
The other day, I was having a conversation with someone I met through this forum. He told me that he had a lot on his mind lately. When I asked if he wanted to talk about it, his eyes got somber and began to show defeat. He simply said that he had been thinking a lot about some resolutions for the new year. This young man is a closeted homosexual Christian. His first resolution was to be more accepting of himself. For some reason, this statement struck me as odd. It was something I had never resolved to do. I have resolved to do a lot of things in my life, at which most I have failed. I know there came a point where I just stopped making resolutions, because I got tired of failing.
Over this past year, I have seen a great deal of change in my life. It hasn't always been comfortable and it hasn't always been fun. One thing it has always been is good. As I look back at this thread of changes, there is something I notice. I never resolved to any of them. I never resolved to come out. I certainly never resolved to share it with the world. I never resolved to be any sort of influence to people dealing with issues concerning homosexuality. I never resolved to lose 95 pounds and become a more healthy individual. I just did them. Enough was enough. My mind would have never been strong enough to keep resolutions of these nature. My heart, my conscience however, was more than strong enough. Life is full of choices, and Lord knows I make good ones and bad ones every day. But for me, I could no longer resolve to choose. I simply had to choose. Do I want to be 300 pounds or not? Do I want to continue to live with the heartbreak of lies about my sexual orientation or not? Do I want to be a voice for people, straight and gay, trying to wade through the waters of this conversation or not? I asked these simple questions from the depths of my conscience and simply made the changes based on the answers that resounded back.
I have always said, "don't try, just do it!" I have personally learned that hope for something greater is only brought about by actions that we choose to take. I certainly still struggle in many aspects of life as we all do, but I will no longer resolve to fix those things. If I desire to fix it, I will simply fix it. It is my prayer with this new year, we will all stop resolving to make necessary changes. I simply hope that we will make them. We are never guaranteed a tomorrow. That doesn't seem like it allows much time for resolutions.
ONE LAST THING:
For readers still scared to death of living your life in a way that allows you to love the gender you choose, I get it. Tears flow this moment as I think back to the torture I lived for so long. I have heard from men and women who have wives, husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends, of the opposite gender because they feel fear or necessity to do so. I have met young men and women scared their parents will truly kill or disown them. I'm not one to tell people when they should come out. Lord knows, I waited long enough. I am one to say, authenticity will always win! You have one life. You have this moment and this day. Don't resolve to live it to it's fullest and best. Just do it!
