Family: Part 2

"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could ever give to another person.  He believed in me."  --Jim Valvano, Basketball coach and Broadcaster

As I continue this three week post on my family and how they have influenced my life, I will be focusing this week on the relationship with my father.  It has been a relationship of ups and downs, and ultimately it is a positive story.  I am seeking to be transparent about gritty realities of the relationship as well as the shine that reflects from it now.  My parents divorced when I was around 2 years old, and  I never felt a strong connection to my father.  Though he performed some of his typical fatherly duties, I often felt he was absent from my life, and I often felt it was by choice, even though it may not have always been.  Please know that I took the time to write this post early so that it could be reviewed and approved by my dad, so anything you read here, he has already read. I will also say that any stories of long ago are meant to paint a picture of the journey and are not meant to reflect who my dad is today.

In all of our lives, we have those moments.  The ones you can never forget.  I call them life-defining moments, because if they were important enough for you to remember, then they are important enough to shape who you are as a person.  They stick with you like humidity on an August day in Alabama.  One of mine came on a beautiful afternoon, riding back from Gulfport, Mississippi with my dad.  I was young.  I'm not totally sure of my age, but I would guess around twelve.  I had lived long enough to develop a love for country music.  We were munching Rold Gold pretzels that my dad had always kept stashed in the center console of his Chevy Silverado, and listening to the radio.  As we were coming across the Gulfport bridge, the sun was reflecting off the water in that way you get used to living on the Gulf Coast.  I began to sing along with a song that I liked.  I don't remember my dad's exact words, but I remember him making fun of my singing.  In reality it was probably in jest.  Either way, I remember taking it personally.

As I look back now, I realize that moment was one of many that I allowed to give me a constant feeling of never being good enough for my dad.  I don't believe my dad ever intentionally made me feel of a lesser value.  The reality is, you and I have probably both unintentionally made someone else in our lives feel the same way.  About three years ago, I stopped talking to my dad.  Just before I moved up to Montana to live with the Northern Cheyenne, a conversation had occurred that I felt reinforced this feeling of inadequacy, and I felt the best thing to do was to just put an end to the relationship.  For three years, I had nothing to do with my dad, and sent him an e-mail telling him that was my desire.  My dad respected that wish.

Exactly three years to the day, without even realizing it at the time, I felt something within me say "It's time to call your dad."  I was parked outside the UPS Store at exit 6 off I-459.  With much anxiety, my dad and I began our first conversation in those three years.  It was not an easy dialogue.  It was one of anger, sorrow, remorse, confusion, anxiety, and numerous other feelings words just do not give life to. It was also within this conversation that I told my dad that I was gay.  Slowly the conversation changed to one of apologies, love and hope for a new day.  While I hate we had to lose those three years, I also look back and realize that they were necessary.  I will embrace some fault for the unhealthy relationship that I have had with my father and many others.  You see, for me to ever have an authentic relationship with my dad, I had to be authentic to myself.  It's hard to have any type of life-enriching relationship when you are constantly hiding and pushing people away, for fear that they might truly know you.  Through those three years I developed the confidence, to not base our relationship upon his approval of me, but upon a simple love that fathers and sons should have for one another unconditionally.

Since that beautiful day in May, my dad and I speak at least two or three times a week.  We speak of everything from relationships to Auburn and Alabama football (War Eagle Dad!).  However, what we speak of is not the point.  The point is that we speak. Not only do we speak, we care for each other.  We don't speak out of obligation, however we speak out of authentic and unconditional love.  I have forgiven my dad, and he has forgiven me.  I tell you this story to illustrate a simple point.  Authenticity can create reconciliation.  We often suppress who we are as people, gay or straight, because we believe it will somehow add value to the relationship.  I learn more and more every day that lies are never the answer.  Be who you are.  Approve of yourself.  Love what looks at you in the mirror.  Only then, will the relationships that you so deeply desire actually be fruitful and loving relationships.  Until next time.

Dad, I am so thankful that we have begun a new day.  I am proud of how you have respected and loved me unconditionally through this time in my life.  Honestly, I can not imagine having gone through it without you.  I believe our relationship is being built daily and I am so thankful for that.  I love you Dad.