resolutions...

"The changes in our life must come from the impossibility to live otherwise than according to the demands of our conscience, not from our mental resolution to try a new form of life."  Leo Tolstoy, Russian writer

So you may or may not have noticed that I have been on a bit of a hiatus from writing over the holidays.  The reality is, I just have not felt the motivation to write or had the inspiration to share anything specific.  I value this forum and respect those of you who read it.  I personally don't feel the need to write for the sake of writing.  I want to write about things that are meaningful to me, and in turn I pray they might be meaningful to others.  With that said, with this new year, I feel inspired.  Thank for reading and as always feel free to share or provide feedback.

As I look back over thirty-two years of life, one thing I have learned is how small the window is that we get to occupy.  As you age, it seems as if the years no longer flip with the pages of a calendar, but almost tick away like minutes.  And, every year we all tend to do the same thing.  We create in our heads what the ideal next year should look like.  This prompts us to make resolutions to make it so.  We psych ourselves up and wait for the great ball to drop in Times Square.  5. 4. 3. 2. 1.  Happy New Year!  This is the moment the resolutions in our head begin to swirl.  We resolve to lose weight.  We resolve to stop smoking.  We resolve to handle our finances better.  We resolve to handle our relationships better.  We resolve to start going to church.  The list is endless and most likely you have resolved to do something in 2014.  I want to invite you to consider thinking just a little bit differently.

The other day, I was having a conversation with someone I met through this forum.  He told me that he had a lot on his mind lately.  When I asked if he wanted to talk about it, his eyes got somber and began to show defeat.  He simply said that he had been thinking a lot about some resolutions for the new year.  This young man is a closeted homosexual Christian.  His first resolution was to be more accepting of himself.  For some reason, this statement struck me as odd.  It was something I had never resolved to do.  I have resolved to do a lot of things in my life, at which most I have failed.  I know there came a point where I just stopped making resolutions, because I got tired of failing.

Over this past year, I have seen a great deal of change in my life.  It hasn't always been comfortable and it hasn't always been fun.  One thing it has always been is good.  As I look back at this thread of changes, there is something I notice.  I never resolved to any of them.  I never resolved to come out.  I certainly never resolved to share it with the world.  I never resolved to be any sort of influence to people dealing with issues concerning homosexuality.  I never resolved to lose 95 pounds and become a more healthy individual.  I just did them.  Enough was enough.  My mind would have never been strong enough to keep resolutions of these nature.  My heart, my conscience however, was more than strong enough.  Life is full of choices, and Lord knows I make good ones and bad ones every day.  But for me, I could no longer resolve to choose.  I simply had to choose.  Do I want to be 300 pounds or not?  Do I want to continue to live with the heartbreak of lies about my sexual orientation or not?  Do I want to be a voice for people, straight and gay, trying to wade through the waters of this conversation or not?  I asked these simple questions from the depths of my conscience and simply made the changes based on the answers that resounded back.

I have always said, "don't try, just do it!"  I have personally learned that  hope for something greater is only brought about by actions that we choose to take.  I certainly still struggle in many aspects of life as we all do, but I will no longer resolve to fix those things.  If I desire to fix it, I will simply fix it.  It is my prayer with this new year, we will all stop resolving to make necessary changes.  I simply hope that we will make them.  We are never guaranteed a tomorrow.  That doesn't seem like it allows much time for resolutions.

ONE LAST THING:

For readers still scared to death of living your life in a way that allows you to love the gender you choose, I get it.  Tears flow this moment as I think back to the torture I lived for so long.  I have heard from men and women who have wives, husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends, of the opposite gender because they feel fear or necessity to do so.  I have met young men and women scared their parents will truly kill or disown them.  I'm not one to tell people when they should come out.  Lord knows, I waited long enough.  I am one to say, authenticity will always win!  You have one life.  You have this moment and this day.  Don't resolve to live it to it's fullest and best.  Just do it!

fighting.

"People would see a lot of times fighting as an ugly thing, as a thing that denigrates the human being.  In reality, you see fighting is everything...doesn't matter what it is.  You wake up in the morning.  To get out of bed is a fight, believe it.  So fighting is actually the best thing a man can have in his soul."  --Renzo Gracie, Retired Mixed Martial Arts Fighter and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Black Belt

It was December 8, 2012.  The lights were low and the energy in the building was more electric than a mid-summer thunderstorm.  I had never experienced a live Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) event.  One of my dearest friends and roommate at the time has appreciated it for many years.  He always made it a habit to seek out the best promotion in his local area.  Enter StrikeHard Productions.  I offered to help put together an after party for the first StrikeHard event in Birmingham.  In all honesty, I was not sure what to expect.  People tend to have a perception of fighters and the sport of MMA that sometimes is not very flattering.  That night and moving forward, I began a new journey, and found something very special in the MMA community surrounding StrikeHard.

There was something different about the people residing in this corner of life.  As I became more involved with StrikeHard, I would quickly realize the disparity between perception and reality was vast and tragic.  I would learn that these people and this environment were very different and very authentic.  Naturally, through working at events and visiting gyms, I began to meet more of these fighters and coaches.  I now found myself on the inside of this amazing community.  With many I became friends, and with many it felt more like family.  I began to see within so many of them, a work ethic that was second to none.  Many of these athletes were training some 30 hours a week, all the while maintaining full-time jobs and taking care of families.  I found humility within some of them that the Pope would envy.  They seemed to have an uncanny understanding of their place and their role in the world.  Above all these things, I found heart.  I am referring to the heart that allows one to step into a cage with the door locked from the outside, and drives them to compete physically with the highly skilled athlete standing across that very cage.  The reality is simple; one of these two will lose.  I am referring to the heart that will not allow that athlete to quit after a loss, but compel him to train harder and step in that cage once more.  This is what I found in these men and women.  Though many of them do not realize, this is the heart that inspired me to begin living my life in a way that was more authentic and not back down to the pressure of who dominant culture believes I should be.

After making the decision to come out, I grew comfortable in my skin somewhat quickly.  However, still lingering in the back of my mind was a daunting question:  "How would this new community, which I had come to appreciate and love, respond to my sexuality?"  It was the last remaining group in my life whose thoughts and perceptions were of concern to me.  It was all so new, and the last thing I wanted to do was ever make any of them uncomfortable.  Could it be that I might lose this very group that had inspired me to live a life without the fears that I had been fighting for so long.  Ultimately, I reminded myself of the need to be 100% authentic with everyone in my life.  It was never my goal to intentionally bring it to their attention.  I, however, had resolved that I would never hide or be ashamed of how I was created.  After all, they taught me these very lessons.  Throughout the process, I have gotten the answer to my question, even as recent as three weeks ago.

I began a very simple conversation with one of our athletes over Facebook about a play that was made in that night's baseball game.  This simple "throw away" conversation suddenly became something very different, and having already gotten his permission, I would like to share it with you.  

"Lance, I read your blog every time you post it.  I had the typical southern redneck views before, and I will be honest with you.  The first time I started reading it, I wrote you off (I apologize for that), but after discussing it with Ashley (his girlfriend), she convinced me to read it and have an open mind.  I can't really say I agree with it 100%, but buddy you have my FULL SUPPORT and I applaud you for what you are doing.  The more I read, the more I look up to you for living your life the way you think it is meant to be lived.  I don't judge and it has helped me have a more open mind about homosexuality."

There was something Seth Burgett did not know that night, as he randomly felt inspired to share this message.  I was seriously debating on whether or not I would continue posting to IMOS.  I have never desired to be noise in a conversation, that to many is already blaring like a bad death metal concert.  My hope is to be a voice that brings new light to many who have struggles similar to the ones I endured, as well as to those that simply do not understand or agree with homosexuality.  That night, I was humbled to realize something very special to me personally. I was able to cut through the typical "southern redneck views" and begin to change the heart and mind of at least one.  IMOS came so close to tapping out, but when you have a great guy in your corner like Seth Burgett, you can't help but keep fighting.  Until next time...

I would like to thank Ashley Nash for seeing the heart of IMOS and challenging Seth to continue reading.  I can write all I want, but without people like you believing in the blog, we may have never had this conversation.  Also, thanks to the owner's of StrikeHard who have been 100% supportive from day one.  People, believe me when I say this; these are great men with great integrity.  Finally, thank you to the MMA community that has embraced and respected me and allowed me to be a part of your family.  A blog post could never fully express how much your dedication to a great sport has made me who I am today.