resolutions...

"The changes in our life must come from the impossibility to live otherwise than according to the demands of our conscience, not from our mental resolution to try a new form of life."  Leo Tolstoy, Russian writer

So you may or may not have noticed that I have been on a bit of a hiatus from writing over the holidays.  The reality is, I just have not felt the motivation to write or had the inspiration to share anything specific.  I value this forum and respect those of you who read it.  I personally don't feel the need to write for the sake of writing.  I want to write about things that are meaningful to me, and in turn I pray they might be meaningful to others.  With that said, with this new year, I feel inspired.  Thank for reading and as always feel free to share or provide feedback.

As I look back over thirty-two years of life, one thing I have learned is how small the window is that we get to occupy.  As you age, it seems as if the years no longer flip with the pages of a calendar, but almost tick away like minutes.  And, every year we all tend to do the same thing.  We create in our heads what the ideal next year should look like.  This prompts us to make resolutions to make it so.  We psych ourselves up and wait for the great ball to drop in Times Square.  5. 4. 3. 2. 1.  Happy New Year!  This is the moment the resolutions in our head begin to swirl.  We resolve to lose weight.  We resolve to stop smoking.  We resolve to handle our finances better.  We resolve to handle our relationships better.  We resolve to start going to church.  The list is endless and most likely you have resolved to do something in 2014.  I want to invite you to consider thinking just a little bit differently.

The other day, I was having a conversation with someone I met through this forum.  He told me that he had a lot on his mind lately.  When I asked if he wanted to talk about it, his eyes got somber and began to show defeat.  He simply said that he had been thinking a lot about some resolutions for the new year.  This young man is a closeted homosexual Christian.  His first resolution was to be more accepting of himself.  For some reason, this statement struck me as odd.  It was something I had never resolved to do.  I have resolved to do a lot of things in my life, at which most I have failed.  I know there came a point where I just stopped making resolutions, because I got tired of failing.

Over this past year, I have seen a great deal of change in my life.  It hasn't always been comfortable and it hasn't always been fun.  One thing it has always been is good.  As I look back at this thread of changes, there is something I notice.  I never resolved to any of them.  I never resolved to come out.  I certainly never resolved to share it with the world.  I never resolved to be any sort of influence to people dealing with issues concerning homosexuality.  I never resolved to lose 95 pounds and become a more healthy individual.  I just did them.  Enough was enough.  My mind would have never been strong enough to keep resolutions of these nature.  My heart, my conscience however, was more than strong enough.  Life is full of choices, and Lord knows I make good ones and bad ones every day.  But for me, I could no longer resolve to choose.  I simply had to choose.  Do I want to be 300 pounds or not?  Do I want to continue to live with the heartbreak of lies about my sexual orientation or not?  Do I want to be a voice for people, straight and gay, trying to wade through the waters of this conversation or not?  I asked these simple questions from the depths of my conscience and simply made the changes based on the answers that resounded back.

I have always said, "don't try, just do it!"  I have personally learned that  hope for something greater is only brought about by actions that we choose to take.  I certainly still struggle in many aspects of life as we all do, but I will no longer resolve to fix those things.  If I desire to fix it, I will simply fix it.  It is my prayer with this new year, we will all stop resolving to make necessary changes.  I simply hope that we will make them.  We are never guaranteed a tomorrow.  That doesn't seem like it allows much time for resolutions.

ONE LAST THING:

For readers still scared to death of living your life in a way that allows you to love the gender you choose, I get it.  Tears flow this moment as I think back to the torture I lived for so long.  I have heard from men and women who have wives, husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends, of the opposite gender because they feel fear or necessity to do so.  I have met young men and women scared their parents will truly kill or disown them.  I'm not one to tell people when they should come out.  Lord knows, I waited long enough.  I am one to say, authenticity will always win!  You have one life.  You have this moment and this day.  Don't resolve to live it to it's fullest and best.  Just do it!

fighting.

"People would see a lot of times fighting as an ugly thing, as a thing that denigrates the human being.  In reality, you see fighting is everything...doesn't matter what it is.  You wake up in the morning.  To get out of bed is a fight, believe it.  So fighting is actually the best thing a man can have in his soul."  --Renzo Gracie, Retired Mixed Martial Arts Fighter and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Black Belt

It was December 8, 2012.  The lights were low and the energy in the building was more electric than a mid-summer thunderstorm.  I had never experienced a live Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) event.  One of my dearest friends and roommate at the time has appreciated it for many years.  He always made it a habit to seek out the best promotion in his local area.  Enter StrikeHard Productions.  I offered to help put together an after party for the first StrikeHard event in Birmingham.  In all honesty, I was not sure what to expect.  People tend to have a perception of fighters and the sport of MMA that sometimes is not very flattering.  That night and moving forward, I began a new journey, and found something very special in the MMA community surrounding StrikeHard.

There was something different about the people residing in this corner of life.  As I became more involved with StrikeHard, I would quickly realize the disparity between perception and reality was vast and tragic.  I would learn that these people and this environment were very different and very authentic.  Naturally, through working at events and visiting gyms, I began to meet more of these fighters and coaches.  I now found myself on the inside of this amazing community.  With many I became friends, and with many it felt more like family.  I began to see within so many of them, a work ethic that was second to none.  Many of these athletes were training some 30 hours a week, all the while maintaining full-time jobs and taking care of families.  I found humility within some of them that the Pope would envy.  They seemed to have an uncanny understanding of their place and their role in the world.  Above all these things, I found heart.  I am referring to the heart that allows one to step into a cage with the door locked from the outside, and drives them to compete physically with the highly skilled athlete standing across that very cage.  The reality is simple; one of these two will lose.  I am referring to the heart that will not allow that athlete to quit after a loss, but compel him to train harder and step in that cage once more.  This is what I found in these men and women.  Though many of them do not realize, this is the heart that inspired me to begin living my life in a way that was more authentic and not back down to the pressure of who dominant culture believes I should be.

After making the decision to come out, I grew comfortable in my skin somewhat quickly.  However, still lingering in the back of my mind was a daunting question:  "How would this new community, which I had come to appreciate and love, respond to my sexuality?"  It was the last remaining group in my life whose thoughts and perceptions were of concern to me.  It was all so new, and the last thing I wanted to do was ever make any of them uncomfortable.  Could it be that I might lose this very group that had inspired me to live a life without the fears that I had been fighting for so long.  Ultimately, I reminded myself of the need to be 100% authentic with everyone in my life.  It was never my goal to intentionally bring it to their attention.  I, however, had resolved that I would never hide or be ashamed of how I was created.  After all, they taught me these very lessons.  Throughout the process, I have gotten the answer to my question, even as recent as three weeks ago.

I began a very simple conversation with one of our athletes over Facebook about a play that was made in that night's baseball game.  This simple "throw away" conversation suddenly became something very different, and having already gotten his permission, I would like to share it with you.  

"Lance, I read your blog every time you post it.  I had the typical southern redneck views before, and I will be honest with you.  The first time I started reading it, I wrote you off (I apologize for that), but after discussing it with Ashley (his girlfriend), she convinced me to read it and have an open mind.  I can't really say I agree with it 100%, but buddy you have my FULL SUPPORT and I applaud you for what you are doing.  The more I read, the more I look up to you for living your life the way you think it is meant to be lived.  I don't judge and it has helped me have a more open mind about homosexuality."

There was something Seth Burgett did not know that night, as he randomly felt inspired to share this message.  I was seriously debating on whether or not I would continue posting to IMOS.  I have never desired to be noise in a conversation, that to many is already blaring like a bad death metal concert.  My hope is to be a voice that brings new light to many who have struggles similar to the ones I endured, as well as to those that simply do not understand or agree with homosexuality.  That night, I was humbled to realize something very special to me personally. I was able to cut through the typical "southern redneck views" and begin to change the heart and mind of at least one.  IMOS came so close to tapping out, but when you have a great guy in your corner like Seth Burgett, you can't help but keep fighting.  Until next time...

I would like to thank Ashley Nash for seeing the heart of IMOS and challenging Seth to continue reading.  I can write all I want, but without people like you believing in the blog, we may have never had this conversation.  Also, thanks to the owner's of StrikeHard who have been 100% supportive from day one.  People, believe me when I say this; these are great men with great integrity.  Finally, thank you to the MMA community that has embraced and respected me and allowed me to be a part of your family.  A blog post could never fully express how much your dedication to a great sport has made me who I am today.

Family: Part 3

"Without a family, man alone in the world, trembles with the cold."  --Andre Maurois, French Author

This is the final post in the three-part series on family.  I was created the youngest of four boys.  The oldest is Marc, next is Brian, and finally Steven.  Steven is the youngest and he is seven years older than me.  As a small child, I felt very protected by them.  As we all grew older though, something began to change.  Suddenly, I found myself the only one still living at home, sometimes.  This post is meant to highlight the life I had as that youngest of four, and recognize how much better a family we can always be toward each other.

It was a gold and white afghan that my mom crocheted.  I'm not sure, as she constantly worked those needles, that she had planned for this afghan to be used for these purposes, but having had four boys, I think she knew anything was possible.  Anytime, my mom left all us boys at home alone, we always played this great game.  We never named it.  And for some reason, I was always happy to play it.  We would turn off all lights in the house.  I would sit and wait anxiously as my brothers prepared the afghan in the other room, laying it out so perfectly in the floor.  Each would grab a corner and one would grab two.  At the moment that all necessary preparations had been made, I being so young, became thrilled when I would hear them yell, "We're ready!"  I found so much joy in starting my sprint through the den, into the kitchen and entry way and finally into the dark living room.  At the precise moment my feet hit the center of the worn afghan, my brothers would jerk the afghan up and roll me into a ball.  Sometimes, they would just pull it out from under me.  Amazingly enough, I always remember getting up and insisting we go another round!  These are some of the fondest memories I had of my brothers, until June of 2013.

"Family Day" had already begun with my mom, and now it was time to begin the difficult conversations with my brothers.  Marc, was at work, and I remember asking him if he had a few minutes to talk.  Of all my brothers, Marc has always come across as the most intimidating to me.  Though he always took great care of me as a child, as we grew older, time, distance, and differences in opinion began to separate us.  Marc served in the US Navy for ten years.  I thank him for that service, because he chose to defend his country in a way I never would.  This provided Marc the opportunity to see things in a very different light than his young, somewhat naive, youth pastor brother did.  We all inherited the need to be right and so many arguments developed that in all reality, my legalistic Christian worldview created (I still consider myself a Christian, but legalism is certainly not my mantra).  I always remember Marc as a man's man.  Very masculine and very tough.  As I began to share with Marc the script that I had nearly gotten down pat, I remember my heart racing more than it had with anyone else.  As my one-sided script turned into conversation, you could feel the tension somewhat subside. While Marc has always come across as the tough brother, I began to realize the reason he was so tough on me.  One thing you can always count on with Marc is that he is authentic.  He says what he believes and he is who he is.  He does not allow a lot of space in his life for people and things which are not true.  Marc had known all along, and I believe all Marc ever wanted me to be was true.  Marc and his wife Chasity are always so welcoming of me in their home when I am putting together a StrikeHard event in Montgomery, and without them we may not even be in that market.  Thank you.

Brian was always the gracious and loving brother.  He's the non-conflict guy.  He realistically was the brother that I was least concerned about telling of my homosexuality.  Brian has always shown a great amount of care for me, and there are very few times in my life that I remember parting ways with him without a hug and an "I love you."  As I think back, I can't even think of any substantial arguments or conflicts that we have ever even had.  My fondest memories of Brian were always when he would drive me to McGill-Toolen High School in the ninth grade because I didn't want to take the bus.  He had the best truck that he had totally customized and I always felt on a different level riding in the passenger seat of that truck.  As I told Brian, it was exactly as I suspected.  He was full of love and pride for his younger brother finally being able to live an authentic life.

Steven.  Well let's just say that Steven and I never really got along too great.  Look, I can't help that I came along and he was no longer the baby.  The interesting thing is, as I think back to my childhood and even early adult life, my memories of Steven are not really negative or positive.  They just are.  He had his own trials and tribulations, but there was never any sort of deep connection or relationship between the two of us.  As Steven went through some tough times in life we were able to bond a little bit through our faith, but overall, eh.  As I told Steven that June morning,  I'll never forget his words.  "It's about damn time, little brother!"  Totally Steven.  We now have grown extremely close, speaking often and he has been such a huge help to StrikeHard Productions at the last 6 MMA events we have produced.  We have gone from having mediocre memories to having memories that will forever stick inside our hearts.  I know that I can tell Steven anything, although I don't totally trust his judgement yet on trying to set me up with someone.  Maybe one day Steven.

I realize now that every one of my brothers knew my identity better than I did my own.  The canyon that had developed between us over the years had very little to do with age difference but more to do with my own insecurities.  I am relieved that for once, we can all be a family that knows, loves and respects each other.  This is something that has come with age, maturity and authenticity.  I never could imagine the day that all of us lived in peace with each other and supported each other in each endeavor the other takes on.  I'm proud that I have such an eclectic group of brothers that have different personalities and traits.  Every one of them has taught me something in my life.  Marc has taught me to stand up and be a man.  To handle my business and not rely on others to do it for me.  Brian has taught me that no matter how tough life can be to keep moving forward with a positive attitude and care for others.  Steven has taught me to celebrate. To embrace who I am and to love deeply.  The other day as I left my father's he turned around and made a simple statement that struck me.  Y'all stick together...the four of you.  None of us are perfect and we may never be the best brothers, but these are MY brothers.  This is MY family.   I could not imagine walking this road with brothers any different and I know that I will never be a man alone in this world because of them.    We will Dad.  Until next time...

Marc, Brian and Steven:

I want to thank you for all you have meant to me over the last few months of this journey we call life.  I want to congratulate you on raising great children.  It is my hope that as they grow older, that we also continue to grow in our relationships with one another. You will never know, nor could a blog post express how much each of you have meant and will continue to mean to my life.  Now, I will stop because Marc hates the sappy sh*t.  Love y'all.