resolutions...

"The changes in our life must come from the impossibility to live otherwise than according to the demands of our conscience, not from our mental resolution to try a new form of life."  Leo Tolstoy, Russian writer

So you may or may not have noticed that I have been on a bit of a hiatus from writing over the holidays.  The reality is, I just have not felt the motivation to write or had the inspiration to share anything specific.  I value this forum and respect those of you who read it.  I personally don't feel the need to write for the sake of writing.  I want to write about things that are meaningful to me, and in turn I pray they might be meaningful to others.  With that said, with this new year, I feel inspired.  Thank for reading and as always feel free to share or provide feedback.

As I look back over thirty-two years of life, one thing I have learned is how small the window is that we get to occupy.  As you age, it seems as if the years no longer flip with the pages of a calendar, but almost tick away like minutes.  And, every year we all tend to do the same thing.  We create in our heads what the ideal next year should look like.  This prompts us to make resolutions to make it so.  We psych ourselves up and wait for the great ball to drop in Times Square.  5. 4. 3. 2. 1.  Happy New Year!  This is the moment the resolutions in our head begin to swirl.  We resolve to lose weight.  We resolve to stop smoking.  We resolve to handle our finances better.  We resolve to handle our relationships better.  We resolve to start going to church.  The list is endless and most likely you have resolved to do something in 2014.  I want to invite you to consider thinking just a little bit differently.

The other day, I was having a conversation with someone I met through this forum.  He told me that he had a lot on his mind lately.  When I asked if he wanted to talk about it, his eyes got somber and began to show defeat.  He simply said that he had been thinking a lot about some resolutions for the new year.  This young man is a closeted homosexual Christian.  His first resolution was to be more accepting of himself.  For some reason, this statement struck me as odd.  It was something I had never resolved to do.  I have resolved to do a lot of things in my life, at which most I have failed.  I know there came a point where I just stopped making resolutions, because I got tired of failing.

Over this past year, I have seen a great deal of change in my life.  It hasn't always been comfortable and it hasn't always been fun.  One thing it has always been is good.  As I look back at this thread of changes, there is something I notice.  I never resolved to any of them.  I never resolved to come out.  I certainly never resolved to share it with the world.  I never resolved to be any sort of influence to people dealing with issues concerning homosexuality.  I never resolved to lose 95 pounds and become a more healthy individual.  I just did them.  Enough was enough.  My mind would have never been strong enough to keep resolutions of these nature.  My heart, my conscience however, was more than strong enough.  Life is full of choices, and Lord knows I make good ones and bad ones every day.  But for me, I could no longer resolve to choose.  I simply had to choose.  Do I want to be 300 pounds or not?  Do I want to continue to live with the heartbreak of lies about my sexual orientation or not?  Do I want to be a voice for people, straight and gay, trying to wade through the waters of this conversation or not?  I asked these simple questions from the depths of my conscience and simply made the changes based on the answers that resounded back.

I have always said, "don't try, just do it!"  I have personally learned that  hope for something greater is only brought about by actions that we choose to take.  I certainly still struggle in many aspects of life as we all do, but I will no longer resolve to fix those things.  If I desire to fix it, I will simply fix it.  It is my prayer with this new year, we will all stop resolving to make necessary changes.  I simply hope that we will make them.  We are never guaranteed a tomorrow.  That doesn't seem like it allows much time for resolutions.

ONE LAST THING:

For readers still scared to death of living your life in a way that allows you to love the gender you choose, I get it.  Tears flow this moment as I think back to the torture I lived for so long.  I have heard from men and women who have wives, husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends, of the opposite gender because they feel fear or necessity to do so.  I have met young men and women scared their parents will truly kill or disown them.  I'm not one to tell people when they should come out.  Lord knows, I waited long enough.  I am one to say, authenticity will always win!  You have one life.  You have this moment and this day.  Don't resolve to live it to it's fullest and best.  Just do it!

REGRET.

"At such a time, it seems natural and good to me to ask these questions; What do I believe in?  What will I fight for?  and What will I fight against?"  --John Steinbeck, Author, East of Eden

On November 19, a great conversation began based upon a Facebook status that I had posted.  The status read as follows:

"If you went up to Jesus and said, 'What do you think about homosexuality?', Jesus' response would have been, 'what do you think about love of God, love of neighbor and care for the poor?  You are asking the wrong question because your are focused on the wrong issue.'"  --Dr. Amy-Jill Levine, Great Figure of the New Testament

Many people from different walks of life shared their voices and opinions regarding this statement.  You are more than welcome to check out the responses on my Facebook page and comment yourself.  This dialogue has prompted me to begin approaching the vast rift that exists between the church (especially but not exclusively the Southern Church), and the homosexual community.  Again, I do not know all the answers, and my guess is neither does the reader.  In lieu of that, I am hopeful that we can continue the discussion in a manner that respects every individual's sacred worth.

It was a beautiful night in May of 2013.  Perfect in fact.  It was as if this very evening was designed by God for something very special.  This was the night I would go on my first date with another man.  Yes, I was quite nervous at first, however, I was comforted in the fact that to everyone else, we simply looked like two buddies having beer and shooting pool.  Something seemed so fluid about the evening and we really had no desire to forsake each other's company.  We continued our time with a walk along the nearby river.  It was in these moments, that for the first time ever, I felt normal.  I felt at ease.  I felt comfortable.  I felt, shall we say, NATURAL.  As we sat on a bench under the stars, I very quickly began to realize that my life would never be the same after this night.  I also knew that with this transformation, I would have to ask and answer a lot of questions.  Most every question that began to race through my mind was was a question regarding my faith.  How do I reconcile this with scripture?  Why would God make me this way if he didn't intend for me to be this way?  How will I deal with the people in my past that will despise this path in life and do they matter?  And the most obvious question, how could I for the first time in my life feel so right and natural, yet be told I am so wrong and artificial?  I did not begin seeking those answers immediately, but was keenly aware that the time for that journey would come soon.

For those of you who are not aware, I was raised in the United Methodist Church and served nearly ten years in Student Ministry.  I have wonderful memories that flood my heart as I think back on those years.  Most all of them involve first -hand witnessing of student's share Christ's simple love with one another.  I think back to Whitney who' family lost everything in Hurricane Katrina, and upon coming to Shreveport, our students fervently embraced and loved her.  I think of students giving up their Thanksgiving Break to do hurricane relief.  I am reminded of students who used their Christmas Party in the cold with nothing but a 50-gallon barrels of glowing fire so they could get a glimpse of what Christmas looked like for the homeless.  I remember students walking through life together and kneeling at many an alter together to pray and convey their love for one another.  I am proud of the role I had the privilege to play in these student's lives, but I do have one regret.  I led as a hypocrite in one area.  I possessed a nature that I was preaching against.  I was homosexual and actively sharing with students and many others that it was an immoral practice that was not conducive with being a Christian.  I certainly developed a great stash of grace-filled explanations for homosexuality, but I believe these explanations to be incorrect now and I believe I led many people down a road that combats against sharing a faith journey with gay men and women.  This is my regret.

That same man I shared my first date with recommended a great book to me.  It is within chapter 13 of East of Eden by John Steinbeck that I found some of the most important questions a man or woman of any orientation can ask themselves; What do I believe in?  What will I fight for? and what will I fight against?  These are questions for which I seek answers daily.  I believe in a God that places sacred worth on every individual that draws breath.  I spent many years leading people down a road that implied otherwise.  For this I am sorry, and against this, I will fight.  Until next time…

Seasons.

"Good seasons start with good beginnings."  --Sparky Anderson, Second Baseman & MLB Manager

There is something in the air.  It looms and slightly reveals itself,  just as leaves falling subtly reminds you that fall and winter are coming.  I've had many seasons in my life.  Some have been tough.  Some have been joyous.  Some have been a mixture of both.  All I have grown and learned from.

It find it difficult to believe that it has been six months since I shared the burdensome and peace-stealing secret of my sexual orientation with my friend Kendra, and in turn opened the flood gates and began to be authentic with my closest friends and family.  SIX MONTHS.  This past six months has been the best, toughest and most educational of any I have ever experienced in my life.  I could spend my time this week telling more stories of my journey, but if you don't mind I would like to use this week's post to share with you some of the simple life lessons I have taken away from the last six months.  They may not all be relevant to your life, and you may even disagree with them, but they are very simple things that ring true in my heart and have brought me this far.

1.  Honesty is at the core of a life well-lived.

2.  It is of little value to give love to others if you aren't able to actually love yourself.  I haven't made it yet.  This is a constant journey for me but I am happy to at least be on the correct path now.

3.  You will have critics in your life.  You aren't guaranteed that everyone will like you nor will they like all of your decisions.  Some critics will love you through them.  Some will bail on you.  Simply follow your heart and allow it to filter out the unnecessary things or people.

4.  We all have limited space in our lives and hearts for meaningful relationships.  Do not give that valuable space to people who tear you down or see you as something less than themselves.  Fill that space with people who will build you up (even through tough love and accountability) and want to be a resource to your life.

5.  People will only value you as much as you value yourself.  

6.  There are some shady folk in this world.

7.    Not everyone is meant to be in every season of your life.  This doesn't diminish the impact they had on your life.  Sometimes things simply change.

8.  Patience is a virtue. One I don't have but desperately need.

9.  It is ok and in fact a good thing to talk to someone and seek help in life.  Very few journeys are meant to be taken alone.

10.  The most valuable thing in your life is your family.  I have seen my family reconcile and live in peace in a way that I never could have fathomed.

11.  Don't try to change the world.  Just seek to be a better you and the world will have no choice but to be changed.

I feel the season in my life changing once again.  I would be lying if I told you it wasn't scary.  The reality is, I have no idea what will come with this new season nor where I will be when I go through it. What I do know is this; the people in my life know the best me to date and these lessons I have come to realize will get me there just as all the seasons that have come before it.  I believe this next season will have a great beginning (Just like those Auburn Tigers!  War Eagle!)

Photo credit:  Gary Parker

Beside Me...

"Do not walk behind me; I may not lead.  Do not walk in front of me; I may not follow.  Just walk beside me and be my friend."  --Albert Camus, French Nobel Prize winning author, journalist and philosopher

Thanks everyone for letting me take last week off.  I was having trouble putting my thoughts together, and I value this forum enough to not publish sub par posts for the sake of posting.  This past weekend I celebrated my 32nd birthday with many dear friends.  Some drove hundreds of miles.  Some drove ten minutes.  One even flew in from Brooklyn, New York and dealt with bomb threats at the Birmingham Airport to be here.  This was a bright reminder of how great life can be when you surround yourself with people that walk beside you.

It was a quirky coffee shop.  Artbeats was the last type of place you would expect to find in small-town South Arkansas.  It was overflowing with all sorts of eclectic and brightly colored treasures that meant nothing to me, but you could tell they were the heart beat of this quaint hole in the wall run by quasi-hippies.  It was on a fall evening at this very place that I met one of the truest people I have ever known in my life.  Jen, like me was from a bigger city far from El Dorado, Arkansas.  She was a few years my younger, but there seemed to be a strange connection between the two of us.  After that first meeting, we began to see each other all over this small town.  Before we knew it, this strange chemistry had drawn us into a wonderful and loving friendship.  It was slightly ironic.  I was a Student Minister at First United Methodist Church and Jen, as my stepmother called her was my free-thinking "Agnostic friend with Buddhist leanings."  She was socially liberal, slightly communist and very open-minded.  Somehow, these things added tremendous value to our friendship in an intriguing way.  The thing I found most valuable in Jen, was her honesty.  She was blatantly truthful in every component of her life.  She lived life to it's fullest and never compromised this truth to appease the common thoughts of those that surrounded her.

Over the past few months, and especially this past weekend, I have noticed something very important;  I have amazing friends.  I wonder sometimes if I take that for granted.  In continued transparency, I have a confession.  Since coming out, I have had this desire to meet and develop friendships with the homosexual community.  Upon first thought, this doesn't sound like something worthy of the word confession, so let me explain.  There have been times where I have even felt without friends because I had begun to let my identity become wrapped up in my sexual orientation.  I began to forget all the amazing friends I had, because I didn't really have a group of gay friends.  I was doing the exact thing that I had committed not to do; let my homosexuality define me as opposed to defining it.  This doesn't mean I don't desire new friends in all walks of life.  It simply means I will no longer look past the ones that exist, nor will I continue to place friends in sub-categories.  I look back on that thought process and see it as a simple desire to know and relate to people in a similar way, which I think is a reality homosexuals and heterosexuals alike are prone to.  Just one more commonality that we all share as people with our own unique journey.  After going through a "whoa-is-me" night, dealing with these very struggles, I took a trip home to Mobile, Alabama.  Someone asked me why I was going home.  My response was simple; "I need something true in my life right now, and family is the only thing I can think of."  On this trip home, I began the process of realizing how fortunate I was to have the valuable relationships that are already present.  I began to see that a friendship is not something that should need forcing or pressure.  It does not require begging or even hoping.  A true friendship simply "is."  They are organic and honest.  Authentic friendship is strong enough to create itself.  It does not need our help.  Like a tornado, it develops and exposes everything in it's way.  It takes one's life back to the basics of a simple love for one another.  It prompts us to remember the value of life lived in community with one another. After it has torn through, in place of destruction, it leaves nothing but actuality, enthusiasm, and recollections that the best of photos and scrapbooks could never do justice.

I want to invite you to look around and be reminded of the value your friends bring to your life.  You will see them.  They are the ones still standing with you after the storm.  They are the ones that are were beaten and battered by the wind and rain because they stood in that storm with you.  They are the ones who have helped you carry your burdens, celebrated your victories, and embraced every moment of that journey.  

Jen and I, had not seen each other in about 5 years.  After I told her about my birthday weekend, she simply responded by sending me a copy of her flight itinerary from New York City.  I could not be more humbled to have such a friend as this and all the others who have chosen to walk this path in life right by my side.  Until next time...

Thank you so much to all of the friends I have had in this 32 years of life.  You have been supportive and loving.  You have embraced and loved me not in spite of who I am, but because of who I am.  Special thanks to the folks at Dram Whiskey Bar, Lake Heather Reserve, Innisfree and especially my dear friend Trip at Oscar's @ Birmingham Museum of Art for making it such a memorable weekend for all of us.  

fighting.

"People would see a lot of times fighting as an ugly thing, as a thing that denigrates the human being.  In reality, you see fighting is everything...doesn't matter what it is.  You wake up in the morning.  To get out of bed is a fight, believe it.  So fighting is actually the best thing a man can have in his soul."  --Renzo Gracie, Retired Mixed Martial Arts Fighter and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Black Belt

It was December 8, 2012.  The lights were low and the energy in the building was more electric than a mid-summer thunderstorm.  I had never experienced a live Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) event.  One of my dearest friends and roommate at the time has appreciated it for many years.  He always made it a habit to seek out the best promotion in his local area.  Enter StrikeHard Productions.  I offered to help put together an after party for the first StrikeHard event in Birmingham.  In all honesty, I was not sure what to expect.  People tend to have a perception of fighters and the sport of MMA that sometimes is not very flattering.  That night and moving forward, I began a new journey, and found something very special in the MMA community surrounding StrikeHard.

There was something different about the people residing in this corner of life.  As I became more involved with StrikeHard, I would quickly realize the disparity between perception and reality was vast and tragic.  I would learn that these people and this environment were very different and very authentic.  Naturally, through working at events and visiting gyms, I began to meet more of these fighters and coaches.  I now found myself on the inside of this amazing community.  With many I became friends, and with many it felt more like family.  I began to see within so many of them, a work ethic that was second to none.  Many of these athletes were training some 30 hours a week, all the while maintaining full-time jobs and taking care of families.  I found humility within some of them that the Pope would envy.  They seemed to have an uncanny understanding of their place and their role in the world.  Above all these things, I found heart.  I am referring to the heart that allows one to step into a cage with the door locked from the outside, and drives them to compete physically with the highly skilled athlete standing across that very cage.  The reality is simple; one of these two will lose.  I am referring to the heart that will not allow that athlete to quit after a loss, but compel him to train harder and step in that cage once more.  This is what I found in these men and women.  Though many of them do not realize, this is the heart that inspired me to begin living my life in a way that was more authentic and not back down to the pressure of who dominant culture believes I should be.

After making the decision to come out, I grew comfortable in my skin somewhat quickly.  However, still lingering in the back of my mind was a daunting question:  "How would this new community, which I had come to appreciate and love, respond to my sexuality?"  It was the last remaining group in my life whose thoughts and perceptions were of concern to me.  It was all so new, and the last thing I wanted to do was ever make any of them uncomfortable.  Could it be that I might lose this very group that had inspired me to live a life without the fears that I had been fighting for so long.  Ultimately, I reminded myself of the need to be 100% authentic with everyone in my life.  It was never my goal to intentionally bring it to their attention.  I, however, had resolved that I would never hide or be ashamed of how I was created.  After all, they taught me these very lessons.  Throughout the process, I have gotten the answer to my question, even as recent as three weeks ago.

I began a very simple conversation with one of our athletes over Facebook about a play that was made in that night's baseball game.  This simple "throw away" conversation suddenly became something very different, and having already gotten his permission, I would like to share it with you.  

"Lance, I read your blog every time you post it.  I had the typical southern redneck views before, and I will be honest with you.  The first time I started reading it, I wrote you off (I apologize for that), but after discussing it with Ashley (his girlfriend), she convinced me to read it and have an open mind.  I can't really say I agree with it 100%, but buddy you have my FULL SUPPORT and I applaud you for what you are doing.  The more I read, the more I look up to you for living your life the way you think it is meant to be lived.  I don't judge and it has helped me have a more open mind about homosexuality."

There was something Seth Burgett did not know that night, as he randomly felt inspired to share this message.  I was seriously debating on whether or not I would continue posting to IMOS.  I have never desired to be noise in a conversation, that to many is already blaring like a bad death metal concert.  My hope is to be a voice that brings new light to many who have struggles similar to the ones I endured, as well as to those that simply do not understand or agree with homosexuality.  That night, I was humbled to realize something very special to me personally. I was able to cut through the typical "southern redneck views" and begin to change the heart and mind of at least one.  IMOS came so close to tapping out, but when you have a great guy in your corner like Seth Burgett, you can't help but keep fighting.  Until next time...

I would like to thank Ashley Nash for seeing the heart of IMOS and challenging Seth to continue reading.  I can write all I want, but without people like you believing in the blog, we may have never had this conversation.  Also, thanks to the owner's of StrikeHard who have been 100% supportive from day one.  People, believe me when I say this; these are great men with great integrity.  Finally, thank you to the MMA community that has embraced and respected me and allowed me to be a part of your family.  A blog post could never fully express how much your dedication to a great sport has made me who I am today.

Family: Part 3

"Without a family, man alone in the world, trembles with the cold."  --Andre Maurois, French Author

This is the final post in the three-part series on family.  I was created the youngest of four boys.  The oldest is Marc, next is Brian, and finally Steven.  Steven is the youngest and he is seven years older than me.  As a small child, I felt very protected by them.  As we all grew older though, something began to change.  Suddenly, I found myself the only one still living at home, sometimes.  This post is meant to highlight the life I had as that youngest of four, and recognize how much better a family we can always be toward each other.

It was a gold and white afghan that my mom crocheted.  I'm not sure, as she constantly worked those needles, that she had planned for this afghan to be used for these purposes, but having had four boys, I think she knew anything was possible.  Anytime, my mom left all us boys at home alone, we always played this great game.  We never named it.  And for some reason, I was always happy to play it.  We would turn off all lights in the house.  I would sit and wait anxiously as my brothers prepared the afghan in the other room, laying it out so perfectly in the floor.  Each would grab a corner and one would grab two.  At the moment that all necessary preparations had been made, I being so young, became thrilled when I would hear them yell, "We're ready!"  I found so much joy in starting my sprint through the den, into the kitchen and entry way and finally into the dark living room.  At the precise moment my feet hit the center of the worn afghan, my brothers would jerk the afghan up and roll me into a ball.  Sometimes, they would just pull it out from under me.  Amazingly enough, I always remember getting up and insisting we go another round!  These are some of the fondest memories I had of my brothers, until June of 2013.

"Family Day" had already begun with my mom, and now it was time to begin the difficult conversations with my brothers.  Marc, was at work, and I remember asking him if he had a few minutes to talk.  Of all my brothers, Marc has always come across as the most intimidating to me.  Though he always took great care of me as a child, as we grew older, time, distance, and differences in opinion began to separate us.  Marc served in the US Navy for ten years.  I thank him for that service, because he chose to defend his country in a way I never would.  This provided Marc the opportunity to see things in a very different light than his young, somewhat naive, youth pastor brother did.  We all inherited the need to be right and so many arguments developed that in all reality, my legalistic Christian worldview created (I still consider myself a Christian, but legalism is certainly not my mantra).  I always remember Marc as a man's man.  Very masculine and very tough.  As I began to share with Marc the script that I had nearly gotten down pat, I remember my heart racing more than it had with anyone else.  As my one-sided script turned into conversation, you could feel the tension somewhat subside. While Marc has always come across as the tough brother, I began to realize the reason he was so tough on me.  One thing you can always count on with Marc is that he is authentic.  He says what he believes and he is who he is.  He does not allow a lot of space in his life for people and things which are not true.  Marc had known all along, and I believe all Marc ever wanted me to be was true.  Marc and his wife Chasity are always so welcoming of me in their home when I am putting together a StrikeHard event in Montgomery, and without them we may not even be in that market.  Thank you.

Brian was always the gracious and loving brother.  He's the non-conflict guy.  He realistically was the brother that I was least concerned about telling of my homosexuality.  Brian has always shown a great amount of care for me, and there are very few times in my life that I remember parting ways with him without a hug and an "I love you."  As I think back, I can't even think of any substantial arguments or conflicts that we have ever even had.  My fondest memories of Brian were always when he would drive me to McGill-Toolen High School in the ninth grade because I didn't want to take the bus.  He had the best truck that he had totally customized and I always felt on a different level riding in the passenger seat of that truck.  As I told Brian, it was exactly as I suspected.  He was full of love and pride for his younger brother finally being able to live an authentic life.

Steven.  Well let's just say that Steven and I never really got along too great.  Look, I can't help that I came along and he was no longer the baby.  The interesting thing is, as I think back to my childhood and even early adult life, my memories of Steven are not really negative or positive.  They just are.  He had his own trials and tribulations, but there was never any sort of deep connection or relationship between the two of us.  As Steven went through some tough times in life we were able to bond a little bit through our faith, but overall, eh.  As I told Steven that June morning,  I'll never forget his words.  "It's about damn time, little brother!"  Totally Steven.  We now have grown extremely close, speaking often and he has been such a huge help to StrikeHard Productions at the last 6 MMA events we have produced.  We have gone from having mediocre memories to having memories that will forever stick inside our hearts.  I know that I can tell Steven anything, although I don't totally trust his judgement yet on trying to set me up with someone.  Maybe one day Steven.

I realize now that every one of my brothers knew my identity better than I did my own.  The canyon that had developed between us over the years had very little to do with age difference but more to do with my own insecurities.  I am relieved that for once, we can all be a family that knows, loves and respects each other.  This is something that has come with age, maturity and authenticity.  I never could imagine the day that all of us lived in peace with each other and supported each other in each endeavor the other takes on.  I'm proud that I have such an eclectic group of brothers that have different personalities and traits.  Every one of them has taught me something in my life.  Marc has taught me to stand up and be a man.  To handle my business and not rely on others to do it for me.  Brian has taught me that no matter how tough life can be to keep moving forward with a positive attitude and care for others.  Steven has taught me to celebrate. To embrace who I am and to love deeply.  The other day as I left my father's he turned around and made a simple statement that struck me.  Y'all stick together...the four of you.  None of us are perfect and we may never be the best brothers, but these are MY brothers.  This is MY family.   I could not imagine walking this road with brothers any different and I know that I will never be a man alone in this world because of them.    We will Dad.  Until next time...

Marc, Brian and Steven:

I want to thank you for all you have meant to me over the last few months of this journey we call life.  I want to congratulate you on raising great children.  It is my hope that as they grow older, that we also continue to grow in our relationships with one another. You will never know, nor could a blog post express how much each of you have meant and will continue to mean to my life.  Now, I will stop because Marc hates the sappy sh*t.  Love y'all.

Family: Part 2

"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could ever give to another person.  He believed in me."  --Jim Valvano, Basketball coach and Broadcaster

As I continue this three week post on my family and how they have influenced my life, I will be focusing this week on the relationship with my father.  It has been a relationship of ups and downs, and ultimately it is a positive story.  I am seeking to be transparent about gritty realities of the relationship as well as the shine that reflects from it now.  My parents divorced when I was around 2 years old, and  I never felt a strong connection to my father.  Though he performed some of his typical fatherly duties, I often felt he was absent from my life, and I often felt it was by choice, even though it may not have always been.  Please know that I took the time to write this post early so that it could be reviewed and approved by my dad, so anything you read here, he has already read. I will also say that any stories of long ago are meant to paint a picture of the journey and are not meant to reflect who my dad is today.

In all of our lives, we have those moments.  The ones you can never forget.  I call them life-defining moments, because if they were important enough for you to remember, then they are important enough to shape who you are as a person.  They stick with you like humidity on an August day in Alabama.  One of mine came on a beautiful afternoon, riding back from Gulfport, Mississippi with my dad.  I was young.  I'm not totally sure of my age, but I would guess around twelve.  I had lived long enough to develop a love for country music.  We were munching Rold Gold pretzels that my dad had always kept stashed in the center console of his Chevy Silverado, and listening to the radio.  As we were coming across the Gulfport bridge, the sun was reflecting off the water in that way you get used to living on the Gulf Coast.  I began to sing along with a song that I liked.  I don't remember my dad's exact words, but I remember him making fun of my singing.  In reality it was probably in jest.  Either way, I remember taking it personally.

As I look back now, I realize that moment was one of many that I allowed to give me a constant feeling of never being good enough for my dad.  I don't believe my dad ever intentionally made me feel of a lesser value.  The reality is, you and I have probably both unintentionally made someone else in our lives feel the same way.  About three years ago, I stopped talking to my dad.  Just before I moved up to Montana to live with the Northern Cheyenne, a conversation had occurred that I felt reinforced this feeling of inadequacy, and I felt the best thing to do was to just put an end to the relationship.  For three years, I had nothing to do with my dad, and sent him an e-mail telling him that was my desire.  My dad respected that wish.

Exactly three years to the day, without even realizing it at the time, I felt something within me say "It's time to call your dad."  I was parked outside the UPS Store at exit 6 off I-459.  With much anxiety, my dad and I began our first conversation in those three years.  It was not an easy dialogue.  It was one of anger, sorrow, remorse, confusion, anxiety, and numerous other feelings words just do not give life to. It was also within this conversation that I told my dad that I was gay.  Slowly the conversation changed to one of apologies, love and hope for a new day.  While I hate we had to lose those three years, I also look back and realize that they were necessary.  I will embrace some fault for the unhealthy relationship that I have had with my father and many others.  You see, for me to ever have an authentic relationship with my dad, I had to be authentic to myself.  It's hard to have any type of life-enriching relationship when you are constantly hiding and pushing people away, for fear that they might truly know you.  Through those three years I developed the confidence, to not base our relationship upon his approval of me, but upon a simple love that fathers and sons should have for one another unconditionally.

Since that beautiful day in May, my dad and I speak at least two or three times a week.  We speak of everything from relationships to Auburn and Alabama football (War Eagle Dad!).  However, what we speak of is not the point.  The point is that we speak. Not only do we speak, we care for each other.  We don't speak out of obligation, however we speak out of authentic and unconditional love.  I have forgiven my dad, and he has forgiven me.  I tell you this story to illustrate a simple point.  Authenticity can create reconciliation.  We often suppress who we are as people, gay or straight, because we believe it will somehow add value to the relationship.  I learn more and more every day that lies are never the answer.  Be who you are.  Approve of yourself.  Love what looks at you in the mirror.  Only then, will the relationships that you so deeply desire actually be fruitful and loving relationships.  Until next time.

Dad, I am so thankful that we have begun a new day.  I am proud of how you have respected and loved me unconditionally through this time in my life.  Honestly, I can not imagine having gone through it without you.  I believe our relationship is being built daily and I am so thankful for that.  I love you Dad.