JADED

"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that.  But even in my most jaded times, I had hope."  --Gerard Way, My Chemical Romance

Over the past week, I have had some different experiences that continue to teach me more about who I am as a person.  I will reserve these stories for my own memories.  A friend of mine told me that eventually you become jaded to people in the gay culture.  You begin to expect less of people.  Your optimism diminishes for your fellow man.  Personally, I refuse to believe that the homosexual community is any more shady or worthy of being jaded to than the heterosexual world.  Another friend stated to me that she misses her optimism, but people in general seem to make optimism impossible.  This is the reason for this week's post.  Thanks for reading and hopefully sharing.

As long as I have been breathing oxygen, I have always looked for the best in people.  This is a great thing, but it can also be a very easy way to get hurt when they don't live up to those (sometimes undue and unfair) expectations.  I would have never called myself gullible, and honestly, I always felt as though I was a more than adequate judge of character.  As I have come to almost 32 years on this thing we call Earth, I have come to understand that I am not always the best judge of character.  Some I get correct with laser like accuracy. Some I don't and that's a tough reality to face.  The reason I get some of those correct though is because I consistently begin at the same point. I remember in middle school the excitement I experienced when there was a test (that I had probably not studied for) and I found out it was "true/false".  There was at least a 50/50 shot at getting the answers correct.  Even if I just answered all true or all false, there was just as great an opportunity to get the answer correct as it was to get it incorrect.  This is how I feel about people. I think.  

When I went to work for Apple last year, one of the things I loved most about the culture (as most of my employees will tell you with a grimace because I always referred to it), was the core value of "Assuming positive intent."  Whether an employee had done something to offend another or break policy, or even if a customer came in with a problem, you always began with the same baseline--ASSUME POSITIVE INTENT.  This resonates so much with who I am as a person.  I have a feeling as I continue on this journey, I will experience hurt as all of us will.  I have a feeling that I will misjudge people's character or intent again.  I also have a feeling that I will continue get a lot of them right.  I guess all of this is to say, I am determined NOT to become jaded to anyone around me.  I am determined to continue beginning friendships, connections and relationships by believing the best about people, no matter their orientation, color or creed.  It is who I am.  If I don't continue to believe this way, then I simply become a liar again, just on a different topic.  Will I get hurt at some point because of this determination?  Absolutely.  But I have to stay true to who I have always been.  It is my hope that we all begin to look for more positive intent out of people.  Is it idealistic?  Yes, but I just don't know what is so bad about idealistic.  Until next time friends...

It's time to begin, isn't it?

I get a little bigger but then, I'll admit

I'm just the same as I was,

Now don't you understand

That I'm never changing who I am

from IT'S TIME by IMAGINE DRAGONS

Lost & Found

"Friends...they cherish one another's hopes.  They are kind to one another's dreams."  --Henry David Thoreau

There is not much harder in the world than losing a friend.  I have told you all from the beginning that I would be transparent through this forum.  That is, in reality, the only way for the conversation to be of any value.  I have debated on whether or not to make this the topic of this week's post, primarily because my last desire is for it to present itself in a self-loathing way. Ultimately, I decided this piece of my story is vital for a comprehensive understanding of what it looks like to be gay in Alabama.  There are some who read, debating on what their own future course looks like, and it is important to understand that there are good times and tough, and that there can be sacrifices and huge gains.

I value nothing more in life than authentic friendships.  Friends that stick closer than a brother or sister;  friends that are willing to care deeply and be cared for deeply; friends that are willing to hold your hand as you walk through the gauntlet that we call life.  This week, I lost a friendship due to my desire to be fully authentic and embrace my identity.  This was a friend that meant a great deal to me.  I feel as if they had wrestled with these revelations for a while now, and ultimately decided that my life was "gross" and "nasty" and wanted nothing to do with it.  I was essentially called a hypocrite for preaching God and love for all those years, and they did not understand "how I could stand to live like that!"  While I can't appreciate these thoughts, I can certainly understand them.  They are thoughts that have been developed over many years of being taught a certain way.  I can not fault someone for having their opinions.  What I can take exception to is disrespect.  I am fine with words.  I am fine with a lack of understanding.  I am not fine with disrespect.  I have said from the beginning that my goal is reconciliation and understanding.  It is my hope, this is what the majority of people see through this journey.  I have seen so much of both reconciliation and understanding over the past few weeks.  Unfortunately, the disrespect came from an unexpected place, and I for the first time had to experience outward verbal rejection of my personhood due to my sexuality.   It is hard to explain the well of emotions that rose from the interaction.  I'm certain they had their own.  I was angry.  I was hurt.  I was disappointed.  But not once was I ashamed.  While I struggled through these emotions, I began to regain my footing and remember who I am.  I remembered that for the pain and heartache of this singular friendship and interaction, there have been so many more experiences of love, understanding, knowledge seeking and excitement from people who embrace me for who I am.  Most important, I embrace who I am.  I lived a life that transformed and adjusted to be who others expected me to be.  I can no longer do that.  I will be me.  I have committed to be me in a respectful manner that never intentionally invades the comfort zones or levels of others, but I WILL BE ME!  If I can not have an appreciation for who I am and the life I live, why should I ever expect anyone else to grant that respect.  There may be others out there that have written me off and not had the fortitude nor felt it necessary to voice, and that is ok.  Like a New York loft, I believe we only have so much room in our lives for relationships.  This experience reminded me to fill that space with people that bring value.  This doesn't mean we can't disagree.  In fact, I believe disagreement is a healthy dynamic in any relationship.  Disrespect is not however.  I choose this day to fill that limited space with people who love unconditionally.  I choose this day to fill that space with those that would take a bullet for me as I would them (jl).  I choose this day to remain true to who I am created to be and respect those who love that!

With that said, I also found some amazing acts of kindness this week from people I know well, and some from people I hardly know at all.  One of my former co-workers sent me a message this week that was very special.  I will not name them, because I have not sought their permission, but I will share the message because it just makes sense in my heart.  It reads as follows:

"Lance, I have loved reading your blog.  Love your honesty...especially in addressing those tough questions.  I used to be one of those terribly judgemental Christians.  But through lots of life experiences I have learned that Christianity is not a set of rules and regulations, but it is a relationship with a creator that loves us unconditionally.  What a beautiful example for me!  Lance, I didn't have a lot of time to get to know you...but I must say that you were one of my favorites!  You were always so encouraging to me and to others.  The Bible tells us the 2 greatest commandments are to "love God with all your heart" and to "love your neighbor as yourself"....My friend...you do these things very well!  God Bless you!"

This is not meant to be a Christian Blog nor is it meant to be a gay blog.  It is simply meant to be a journey; a look through a shattered window that is slowly being pieced back together again.  Reading this person's message, whether you or I  are Christian or not, we should all appreciate the love that comes from the heart of the writer.  It is my hope (and I have my own work to do) that we can begin to simply love people where they are in their life.  Cherish their hopes!  Be kind to their dreams! And expect the same of the people with whom you surround yourself.  You deserve it.  Until next week!

There is something deeply right...

"There is something deeply right about the language of the heart." --Libbie Patterson

It has been an inspiring week, as I have heard the voices of support from so many people, journeying through so many different walks of life.  It brings me joy to have heard many of your stories about friends, and even some of your own lives.  It was my desire in starting this online journal that I could be a small voice in a large conversation.  It is my desire in continuing, that people will be exposed to a story that might in some way, great or small, be relevant to their own lives.  Yesterday, one of my students who is now in ministry himself, had the courage to ask me some well thought out questions provoked by his curiosity and desire to understand.  You could tell that he was concerned about offending me with his questions.  For the record, I will never be offended by the heart of people who seek understanding and wisdom.  In fact, I invite you to pack a bag and join in on this trip.  In fact, if I am ever offended, then this journal is a waste of time.  I have determined that if he has these questions, others might as well.  For that reason I have decided to make them the subject of this week's entry with his consent.

Question 1: Are you still/were you ever a Christian? I saw "Christianity" as a tag on the post, but I also saw you apologize to pastors, etc. about deceiving them. Was the deceit in your religious identity or your sexual identity?

First, a point of clarification.  I never apologized to pastors and students.  I simply clarified that my intent was never to deceive them or be something less than authentic. Throughout my ten years in ministry I gave all I had to every ministry I served.  I invested in the lives of people, young and old, in hopes that they might come to understand better the beliefs and faith they were claiming.  I gave pastors my dedication and support while working tirelessly to enrich the lives of those around me.  Seeing people like this young man continuing in that legacy helps me understand that I was successful on many fronts, and for that I am grateful.  Christianity is a belief system that revolves around one's faith in Jesus Christ.  Was I ever a Christian?  Absolutely.  I will not pretend that I don't now have some very deep questions and concerns with the Christian faith and it's beliefs toward homosexuality, as well as simple questions about the faith in general.  I have always based my faith upon emotion and experiences, while nudging out reason and study.  To continue in the Christian faith, it is important that I balance my understanding of the faith and allow both reason and experience to have their place in my belief system.  That means I am asking some very tough questions.  Realistically, I don't always like the answers, nor do they always line up with what I have always adhered to.  This is a part of my journey that will be ongoing.

Question 2 is related. If you're a Christian, I want to know how that plays into your decision. How do they co-exist? If you're not a Christian, why? What happened? Like, what and where was the turning point?

I do not believe that I chose homosexuality.  As I began this journey I had the love and support of a friend who is a pastor.  I will never forget the day I asked how they felt about homosexuality.  They simply looked at me with grace and love and said, "I believe that homosexuals are created in a very unique and wonderful way."  Many of you have heard me say that I don't have all the answers, nor do I believe they can all come from thin pages with black and red writing.  As I take a retrospective look at my life and more intensely the past few months, I have seen and learned some valuable things.  I believe the God I have always claimed to follow is a God of love and truth.  I believe that God is also a God of health and reconciliation.  Over the last 3 months, these things have become more apparent in my life and in the relationships I have with others.  I think back to the coverage of Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans years ago.  My life was filled with destruction, and I felt as if I were stranded on a roof.  Detached from all civilization with hopes of someone seeing me a pulling me out of the chaos that surrounded me.  My relationships with family and friends were detached.  I felt like I was failing in my occupation.  The water was rising and storms were constantly blowing through leaving me more and more hopeless.  The reality is, I should have left before the storm came.  Since coming out, the following things have happened.  I have reconciled and speak often with a father that I had not spoken to in three years. I have a healthy and growing relationship with brothers with whom I had not had significant relationship with in 10 years. I have seen the love of friends that have shared their support with me.  I have made new friends that I believe will have a lifelong impact on me. I have lost nearly 70 pounds and found myself happy with a fairly healthy diet and exercise routine. I have had multiple people that have made significant emotional investments in my life.  I look at these things and simply can not imagine why these are things that God would despise.  I can not fathom that my life before was one that God designed or desired for me.  All I can do is simply continue to seek answers to questions and continue working hard to love and respect all people, on whatever road they decide to journey on. 

One of the most profound things I have learned is that it is acceptable to say "I don't know."  I used to be the guy with an answer for everything.  If I didn't know the answer, chances are I would make something up and use my gift of gab to shine it up until it was so bright and beautiful you could not tell.  The reality is, I do not and may never know the answers to all of these questions.  What I do know is this; "There is something deeply right about the language of the heart," and I am so grateful to finally learn that language.  My heart tells me to love others, live well, live with integrity, be authentic and work to impact those around me in a positive way.  I may not always be successful in these endeavors, but it is the core of who I am.

Until next time,

Lance

So I got nailed pretty hard by my 16 year old niece for not recognizing her love and support in last week's post.  Lexie, you deserve all the recognition in the world.  You are a bright and beautiful girl, that has been one of my biggest supporters.  You will never know how your love has impacted me over all these years and especially over the last few months.  It is my honor to be your favorite uncle.

Many of you know that over the past few months, I have been going through the process of living a more authentic life with people.  I have told most of you that I don't have an agenda and that I simply want to live my life in the way I believe I was created.  As I have gone through this process I have come to some very real conclusions that I will be sharing through this forum.  The purpose of these musings is not to be a crusader or gain notoriety, however my hope is that through this somewhat transparent view of my story, people begin to have a deeper insight into what it means to eat, sleep, live and breathe this story shared by so many.  I hope to deliver a message in a way that people (myself included), gay, straight, out and not, might gain a greater understanding of life and the happiness that comes through authenticity.  Coming out has never just been about me.  It was a conscious decision to become a better son, brother, friend, employee and man.  To my homosexual friends, understand that this isn't my attempt to say that I know and understand everything there is to understand.  In fact, it is exactly the opposite.  This is just the beginning of a long journey of discovery, joy, heartache and insight.  To my heterosexual friends, understand that this isn't my attempt to force my beliefs on you, confuse your children or try to make you believe the way I believe.  It is simply my attempt to let you see the world through a set of eyes that you hopefully already know and respect.

Who am I?  My name is Lance and I am Gay in Alabama.  I am a server, a talent manager and work for an MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) promoter.  I grew up in the church and served in Student Ministry for 10 years preaching the whole "Love the sinner, hate the sin" mantra.  Yes, I've dated women and believed for the longest time that I could pray my gay away.  I believed that one day I would have a wife and kids and a white picket fence.  Obviously this never worked out quite the way I planned it.  The reality is, I was a liar.  I would work hard to become more authentic in life, but until I could be open and honest about my sexuality I would always be a liar.  This lack of authenticity with myself has led to me losing jobs, contemplating suicide, and losing the respect of many people that I had developed great fondness for.  No matter how good a job, friendship or circumstance, there was always the darkness of lies that invited destruction as if it were a guest.

Why didn't I come out earlier?  Plain and simple, fear.  I feared people's perception of me.  I feared my family would shun me.  I feared the churches I had served would brow beat me.  As I look back now I realize that many people's perception of me was already poor.  Many in my family didn't respect me (rightfully so).  And hell, working in the church never showed to be the most stable career option anyways.

Why did I come out now?  I had always said if I met someone that was worth it, I would make that move.  The reality is, in May of this year, I did.  Now ultimately it didn't work out, but for once I had met someone that I could have imagined being happy with for the rest of my life.  At that point I was no longer concerned with fear.  I began to realize that the fear I had experienced for so long was in fact the thing that was not worth the heartache.  Thankfully, I had made some changes and worked hard to rebuild damaged friendships.  I had made the time to gain and regain respect from many people.  My goal has been to be seen as simply Lance.  It was my hope that people would see and respect me for the content of my character once more.  I made huge strides in this area which allowed for a much easier process of being authentic.  As I began to talk to friends, family and bosses, I was amazed at the love and support they showed to me.  Most were surprised and some were not.  Let's be real though, a lot of the surprised people were probably just being nice ;)  Sometimes I wish that I had come out earlier in life, but I think there is a comfort in my skin that has come from waiting so long, and I refuse to regret the experiences and people that have made me who I am today. 

Moving forward...Again, my goal is to be respected for who I am and how I treat people. The goal of this blog is to give some insight on a regular basis as to this experience.  I do hope that this forum creates comfort for those struggling with the same questions I fought with for so long.  I hope this forum creates understanding and possibly even changed opinions for many who I really believe have tried so hard but just don't get it.  I will work hard to continue loving and respecting people for who they are.  I realize there are some people that will take serious exception to this blog and will have serious issue with my sexual identity.  For the first time in my life, I can honestly say, I'm ok with that.  At the end of the day, I'm just me.  The only thing that has changed in me has been an improvement...authenticity.  It is my hope that everyone will respect and appreciate that.  The reality is I could move to much more gay friendly cities and states, but I don't know what that would accomplish.  I love this city.  I love this state.  I love these people.  And for now, I am determined to be Gay in Alabama.
Until next time.
Lance


Just want to thank a few folks.  My mom, thank you for your love.  I wish I had tapped into your wisdom before now.  My dad, we haven't always been close but I am so happy a new chapter has begun.  My brothers, Marc, Brian and Steven; thank you for your care and I am looking forward to a new day (without you rolling me down the stairs just for fun...haha).  To the students and pastors that have meant so much to my life over the years; it was never my intent to deceive you, but to invest in your lives in a way that we would impact each other for a lifetime and not just a tenure.  To my StrikeHard family, fighters, coaches and gyms, thank you for your respect and all the support you have given me.  To my friends and you know who you are; you have meant the world to me.  And to the callous thinker...thank you for helping me see me.