There is not much harder in the world than losing a friend. I have told you all from the beginning that I would be transparent through this forum. That is, in reality, the only way for the conversation to be of any value. I have debated on whether or not to make this the topic of this week's post, primarily because my last desire is for it to present itself in a self-loathing way. Ultimately, I decided this piece of my story is vital for a comprehensive understanding of what it looks like to be gay in Alabama. There are some who read, debating on what their own future course looks like, and it is important to understand that there are good times and tough, and that there can be sacrifices and huge gains.
I value nothing more in life than authentic friendships. Friends that stick closer than a brother or sister; friends that are willing to care deeply and be cared for deeply; friends that are willing to hold your hand as you walk through the gauntlet that we call life. This week, I lost a friendship due to my desire to be fully authentic and embrace my identity. This was a friend that meant a great deal to me. I feel as if they had wrestled with these revelations for a while now, and ultimately decided that my life was "gross" and "nasty" and wanted nothing to do with it. I was essentially called a hypocrite for preaching God and love for all those years, and they did not understand "how I could stand to live like that!" While I can't appreciate these thoughts, I can certainly understand them. They are thoughts that have been developed over many years of being taught a certain way. I can not fault someone for having their opinions. What I can take exception to is disrespect. I am fine with words. I am fine with a lack of understanding. I am not fine with disrespect. I have said from the beginning that my goal is reconciliation and understanding. It is my hope, this is what the majority of people see through this journey. I have seen so much of both reconciliation and understanding over the past few weeks. Unfortunately, the disrespect came from an unexpected place, and I for the first time had to experience outward verbal rejection of my personhood due to my sexuality. It is hard to explain the well of emotions that rose from the interaction. I'm certain they had their own. I was angry. I was hurt. I was disappointed. But not once was I ashamed. While I struggled through these emotions, I began to regain my footing and remember who I am. I remembered that for the pain and heartache of this singular friendship and interaction, there have been so many more experiences of love, understanding, knowledge seeking and excitement from people who embrace me for who I am. Most important, I embrace who I am. I lived a life that transformed and adjusted to be who others expected me to be. I can no longer do that. I will be me. I have committed to be me in a respectful manner that never intentionally invades the comfort zones or levels of others, but I WILL BE ME! If I can not have an appreciation for who I am and the life I live, why should I ever expect anyone else to grant that respect. There may be others out there that have written me off and not had the fortitude nor felt it necessary to voice, and that is ok. Like a New York loft, I believe we only have so much room in our lives for relationships. This experience reminded me to fill that space with people that bring value. This doesn't mean we can't disagree. In fact, I believe disagreement is a healthy dynamic in any relationship. Disrespect is not however. I choose this day to fill that limited space with people who love unconditionally. I choose this day to fill that space with those that would take a bullet for me as I would them (jl). I choose this day to remain true to who I am created to be and respect those who love that!
With that said, I also found some amazing acts of kindness this week from people I know well, and some from people I hardly know at all. One of my former co-workers sent me a message this week that was very special. I will not name them, because I have not sought their permission, but I will share the message because it just makes sense in my heart. It reads as follows:
"Lance, I have loved reading your blog. Love your honesty...especially in addressing those tough questions. I used to be one of those terribly judgemental Christians. But through lots of life experiences I have learned that Christianity is not a set of rules and regulations, but it is a relationship with a creator that loves us unconditionally. What a beautiful example for me! Lance, I didn't have a lot of time to get to know you...but I must say that you were one of my favorites! You were always so encouraging to me and to others. The Bible tells us the 2 greatest commandments are to "love God with all your heart" and to "love your neighbor as yourself"....My friend...you do these things very well! God Bless you!"
This is not meant to be a Christian Blog nor is it meant to be a gay blog. It is simply meant to be a journey; a look through a shattered window that is slowly being pieced back together again. Reading this person's message, whether you or I are Christian or not, we should all appreciate the love that comes from the heart of the writer. It is my hope (and I have my own work to do) that we can begin to simply love people where they are in their life. Cherish their hopes! Be kind to their dreams! And expect the same of the people with whom you surround yourself. You deserve it. Until next week!
Love and miss you, Lance. Maybe i can make it to B-Ham soon and we can hang out.
ReplyDeletedefinitely should happen!
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