There is something deeply right...

"There is something deeply right about the language of the heart." --Libbie Patterson

It has been an inspiring week, as I have heard the voices of support from so many people, journeying through so many different walks of life.  It brings me joy to have heard many of your stories about friends, and even some of your own lives.  It was my desire in starting this online journal that I could be a small voice in a large conversation.  It is my desire in continuing, that people will be exposed to a story that might in some way, great or small, be relevant to their own lives.  Yesterday, one of my students who is now in ministry himself, had the courage to ask me some well thought out questions provoked by his curiosity and desire to understand.  You could tell that he was concerned about offending me with his questions.  For the record, I will never be offended by the heart of people who seek understanding and wisdom.  In fact, I invite you to pack a bag and join in on this trip.  In fact, if I am ever offended, then this journal is a waste of time.  I have determined that if he has these questions, others might as well.  For that reason I have decided to make them the subject of this week's entry with his consent.

Question 1: Are you still/were you ever a Christian? I saw "Christianity" as a tag on the post, but I also saw you apologize to pastors, etc. about deceiving them. Was the deceit in your religious identity or your sexual identity?

First, a point of clarification.  I never apologized to pastors and students.  I simply clarified that my intent was never to deceive them or be something less than authentic. Throughout my ten years in ministry I gave all I had to every ministry I served.  I invested in the lives of people, young and old, in hopes that they might come to understand better the beliefs and faith they were claiming.  I gave pastors my dedication and support while working tirelessly to enrich the lives of those around me.  Seeing people like this young man continuing in that legacy helps me understand that I was successful on many fronts, and for that I am grateful.  Christianity is a belief system that revolves around one's faith in Jesus Christ.  Was I ever a Christian?  Absolutely.  I will not pretend that I don't now have some very deep questions and concerns with the Christian faith and it's beliefs toward homosexuality, as well as simple questions about the faith in general.  I have always based my faith upon emotion and experiences, while nudging out reason and study.  To continue in the Christian faith, it is important that I balance my understanding of the faith and allow both reason and experience to have their place in my belief system.  That means I am asking some very tough questions.  Realistically, I don't always like the answers, nor do they always line up with what I have always adhered to.  This is a part of my journey that will be ongoing.

Question 2 is related. If you're a Christian, I want to know how that plays into your decision. How do they co-exist? If you're not a Christian, why? What happened? Like, what and where was the turning point?

I do not believe that I chose homosexuality.  As I began this journey I had the love and support of a friend who is a pastor.  I will never forget the day I asked how they felt about homosexuality.  They simply looked at me with grace and love and said, "I believe that homosexuals are created in a very unique and wonderful way."  Many of you have heard me say that I don't have all the answers, nor do I believe they can all come from thin pages with black and red writing.  As I take a retrospective look at my life and more intensely the past few months, I have seen and learned some valuable things.  I believe the God I have always claimed to follow is a God of love and truth.  I believe that God is also a God of health and reconciliation.  Over the last 3 months, these things have become more apparent in my life and in the relationships I have with others.  I think back to the coverage of Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans years ago.  My life was filled with destruction, and I felt as if I were stranded on a roof.  Detached from all civilization with hopes of someone seeing me a pulling me out of the chaos that surrounded me.  My relationships with family and friends were detached.  I felt like I was failing in my occupation.  The water was rising and storms were constantly blowing through leaving me more and more hopeless.  The reality is, I should have left before the storm came.  Since coming out, the following things have happened.  I have reconciled and speak often with a father that I had not spoken to in three years. I have a healthy and growing relationship with brothers with whom I had not had significant relationship with in 10 years. I have seen the love of friends that have shared their support with me.  I have made new friends that I believe will have a lifelong impact on me. I have lost nearly 70 pounds and found myself happy with a fairly healthy diet and exercise routine. I have had multiple people that have made significant emotional investments in my life.  I look at these things and simply can not imagine why these are things that God would despise.  I can not fathom that my life before was one that God designed or desired for me.  All I can do is simply continue to seek answers to questions and continue working hard to love and respect all people, on whatever road they decide to journey on. 

One of the most profound things I have learned is that it is acceptable to say "I don't know."  I used to be the guy with an answer for everything.  If I didn't know the answer, chances are I would make something up and use my gift of gab to shine it up until it was so bright and beautiful you could not tell.  The reality is, I do not and may never know the answers to all of these questions.  What I do know is this; "There is something deeply right about the language of the heart," and I am so grateful to finally learn that language.  My heart tells me to love others, live well, live with integrity, be authentic and work to impact those around me in a positive way.  I may not always be successful in these endeavors, but it is the core of who I am.

Until next time,

Lance

So I got nailed pretty hard by my 16 year old niece for not recognizing her love and support in last week's post.  Lexie, you deserve all the recognition in the world.  You are a bright and beautiful girl, that has been one of my biggest supporters.  You will never know how your love has impacted me over all these years and especially over the last few months.  It is my honor to be your favorite uncle.